Sometimes Life Gets In My Way...

When was the last time I posted on here? I can't even remember.

Sorry.

Well... actually... most people don't even read this, so I don't feel all that bad.

SO!

Life. It can get in the way of my plans sometimes. "And it came to me then that every plan was just a tiny prayer to Father Time..." (What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie) Actually, a friend of mine recently started a blog, which is supposedly going to talk about that very song in the next post or two. Anyway, back to MY blog. Hehe.

Yes... life. I guess we just have to roll with the punches and keep moving, right? Right. That's what I've decided to do.

I've also decided to: run 3 days a week, do yoga 3 days a week, eat healthy, quit smoking, practice guitar, bass, and piano every day, and write more often.

And... do housework. Learn to cook more food. GET A JOB.

So far, these things are coming along alright.

I don't smoke anymore; I'm eating a little better (although, I admit, I binged on toast drowning in butter and big glasses of milk today); I started to run and do yoga, fell out of it, and am hopefully getting back on track starting tomorrow morning. I've been playing guitar (and bass) like nothing else, though my piano time has become limited... I've been writing more often. Cooking has stayed pretty much normal, though I baked an absolutely fabulous cake last month. :) Keeping up with housework is going well. I caught up the laundry today, swept most of the floors, and cleaned my room.

The big problem area is getting a job. >.<

I have had multiple interviews, with the most recent being the Bath and Body Works at Clackamas Town Center (the mall). But... no luck. I just don't have any experience! The only job I have at the moment is as the janitor for a small private school in Oregon City. However, they can only afford to pay me $40 a week. Four hours a week. :(

Is anybody in Oregon hiring entry-level,-no-experience-but-lovely-personality-and-a-hard-working-attitude-who-learns-very-VERY-quickly people? Specifically, me??

Scratch that. Is anybody ANYWHERE??

Ugh... it feels like the answer is no. But somebody will hire me eventually, right? *sigh* I hope so.

Anyway... that's life these days.

Oh! And check out this blog. It's HILARIOUS. Some of my favorites are "This is why I'll never be an adult", "How a fish almost ruined my childhood", "The Party", "The God of Cake", and "Spiders. They are scary. It's okay to be afraid of them."

If you don't laugh at one of those, I don't love you anymore.

Just kidding. I'll still love you.

:]

The World At Large - Modest Mouse

Sometimes a certain song just feels... right.

Today, that song is The World At Large by Modest Mouse.



"Ice-age, heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.

I move on to another day,
To a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought,
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.

You don't know where, and you don't know when.
But you've still got your words and you've got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder; work another way.

Well, uh-uh, baby, I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe. Would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe. Would you understand?
Well, I'll float on maybe. Would you understand?

The days get shorter, and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn, but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings, and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.

The days get longer, and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising, but it's Spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.

Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.

Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud..."

Music Music Music...

Here are some songs I've enjoyed listening to lately:


No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses




No Intention - The Dirty Projectors




I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance - Black Kids

(This video is pretty awesome too.)




Love The Way You Lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna

(EXPLICIT. It's got a really good motto, though.)



I suppose that's all for now. More will come!

A Perfect Liar

So... I think... this is going to be an excerpt from a short story... "A Perfect Liar."... that pulls inspiration from a dark mind filled with murdered memories. As it is, this is just a page of rambling that I wrote several months ago. Maybe someday it will hold meaning, though.

*********************************

“Where did he go?”

Look out of the classroom. The sun just began to shine. Strange, because inside your mind, everything is overcast. The world has gone grey. It’s not raining. It’s not thundering. Just grey. Not night, not that dark. Just grey. Not cold. Not warm. Just grey.

You couldn’t explain why, because you don’t know what happened. You don’t know what upset him so… You don’t truly understand why he trusted a boy with a tattoo more than you. You. Someone he has said he loves. But then again, why do you trust him?

You know he’s lied to you. You know he is a self-proclaimed dick. You know of his hypocrisies and his disbelief. Or, his belief in lies. What irony. He has put faith in being unfaithful; he has put trust in being untrustworthy. Then again, so did you.

Fine irony. And what a perfect liar. You must be your own perfect match. Applaud yourself. Receive a pat from me for your back. You made love with truth in a bed of lies. How modern you must be. How intelligent. How mentally lost and unkind. “No.” No? There is no such thing as a kind lie. You are hurting yourself and everyone else by saying there is.

Look! See?

Deceiver. Hater. Hurter. Killer. Rapist.

You know the truth. Start speaking it. Look! Even now your own mind has found it. Found its way back to your little “problem”. The thing you pretend to have overcome.

LIAR. Why else would it come back to this? You started with thinking about him, but it’s NOT about him. It’s always about you.

HATER. He deserves more than you. So much more. You are the problem.

HURTER. You hurt him.

KILLER. You killed him.

RAPIST. So long ago… Do you remember? “NO.” NO???...

… Liar.

Monkey Hat

So I bought this hat a couple weeks ago... it makes me happy.

I got it at Hot Topic.

Teehee!

Something's Missing

"I'm not alone. I wish I was. Cause then I'd know I was down because I couldn't find a friend around to love me like they do right now... I can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design. I wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this... Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is." - Something's Missing by John Mayer

I've come to the conclusion that when I'm lonely, I always want to be more lonely in a roundabout way.

I want to just... leave. Instead of working at my loneliness, I give up. I pack my things and leave for a while.

I guess that's just how I work... I can't NOT be doing something. Going somewhere. Meeting someone. Always running.

When I stop for a moment, breathe it all in... it's good... but only for a moment. Then I think. I start to see how I can't control it... how it never pans out quite like I planned.

And then, loneliness kicks in.

I see the people around me... and I feel like something's missing.

Something's always missing.

Someone's always missing.

So to counter-act it, I run farther.

And farther...

And farther...

Until I'm so far away... that there's no one and nothing left.

Just me and somewhere I've never been, something I've never done.

Because really, that's all that makes me happy, now.

No emotional attachments... that only hurts.

Instead, I'm running. Breathing in and out. It hurts in a way as well... But my heart feels good, pounding there in my chest. It's not breaking, it's stretching. It's building itself up.

That is love.

And how can I be lonely when I feel that kind of love?

How can I be lonely when I'm always running somewhere new?

I can't be.

And yet... I am more alone than ever before.

"Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before." - Brick by Ben Folds

25

Wow...

As of today, I have been to 25 concerts.

This does not include seeing Paul Delay twice, however...

I don't know why...

Maybe it's because he was free.

Oh my...

I also saw Bruce Cockburn... and Dan Hicks. Wow.

29, then.

Though I'm not sure if the first Paul Delay concert counts as I can barely remember it... I was very young, maybe 8. He was playing at the state fair once, and my family and I ate dinner on a blanket in the grass in front of the stage.

I suppose I should add those to my list.

Anyway, the point is that I've started a new blog to store my memories of all of these concerts in.

It's called PDX & Muses.

You'll find it here.

Made in Oregon.

Yes. :)

Sammich(es) and Heartbreak(er)

For the record, the title holds no meaning to this post. They were just the first two words that popped into my head before I started to write.



... Hmm... maybe they do hold meaning... randomosity. That's kind of what this post is all about.


I recently had three separate people tell me I'm ditzy.


Weird.


I never knew!


But I think that's because my description of ditzy = stupid girl.


The people who told me I'm ditzy say otherwise. They say ditzy = something like spontaneous and insane.

THAT. I am.


So, I guess I can live with that one.


Also, I have come to fully appreciate backrubs and those who give them. If you're reading this, you know who you are and that I love you dearly.

Random fact: I threw up a lot this morning. Yippee... not.


I am not happy about being sick. Not happy at all.

I really wish one of those back rubbing people were here... my back does not take kindly to kneeling in front of a toilet, retching, for nearly three hours.


But that's what moms are for, I suppose.

And I love my mom.


She's making a delicious chicken bake casserole with rice for dinner. Thankfully, I haven't throw up since 8:38am. THEREFORE! I shall be participating in this glorious meal.


Yay.


I guess that's really all I have to say for the moment...


Maybe later I'll write about a few memorable concerts I've been to...

Hmm...


Or maybe I'll start a new blog... A post for each concert I attend. YES. I shall.

Let's see...

I think I've been to something like 17 rock concerts now...


I like this idea.


:)

We are the Hell we are most afraid of and the worst thought we can think of.

Here's a monologue I wrote a while back... I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking about when I wrote it... All I know is that I'm glad I don't think like this anymore.Warning: it's dark. And depressing. Sorry.

__________________________________________________________

Never knew what I was supposed to be, don’t even know what I want to be. I guess I’m just not beautiful. Nothing I said came out like I wanted. Nothing I found funny was laughed at. I didn’t want everyone to stare. I just wanted to fit in. I only wanted you to smile. Like that little child… shaking their heads back and forth, and waving from the wrist. Does it impress you? Will you tell me I’m beautiful? Will you say you love me? Why do I need you to say things that you don’t really understand? What is it about me that got ripped off? Is it my mind? Is it my heart? Is it my hands? Is it my soul? Maybe when He made me, something cracked in the mould. Maybe the design was eaten by mold. I don’t have the answers. All I know is that something’s wrong. Something’s missing. Something never fit, and I don’t know what or why.

And even if it was wrong, why can’t you just tell me why? Why can’t you tell me what I’m doing wrong? Why do I always ask why? I’m still that child. I’m still that little child.  I can’t come to grips with the way you react. I still don’t understand why you got so mad. I don’t know why I can’t stop being sad. I don’t know why I can’t stop this bitter resentment from growing. I can’t stop being depressed. How did I end up so depressed? I think I’m starting to lose my laughing heart.

I’m turning into something I hated when I didn’t know what hate was.

People told me I was fun to be around… What happened? I know. I gave in. You didn’t see it, but I gave in. I caved in. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being left alone. I was tired of running away because I couldn’t bear to see your face so fallen, so disappointed in me.  Cause when I tried to make the world go away so I could understand, no one came to hold my hand. I was left alone. Why didn’t you reach out to me? When I was trying so hard to reach you?

 It’s been too long… too many years spent alone. I’ve tried my best, but it’s never enough. It’s never enough to be the best I am. It’s always about the best I can. But if I’m doing it, isn’t it what I can do? Other than that, what do you want? How do I make you smile? How do I fit in? Or maybe the question is how do I break the mould? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to conform to everything you wanted. But that’s not right, right?

All eyes on me… cause I need to be what you want me to be.  I need to be what you want just so I can be loved. I need to be what you want just so you’ll smile. I need it. I need you.  Then again, I’ll be gone any day now… I won’t change you. I won’t change anyone. I won’t change anything. If I’d never been here, you wouldn’t have felt anything about me, you wouldn’t have been any different. If I die, I would leave nothing behind but empty thoughts and broken pieces of my heart.  Stolen fragments of a broken mind. Shattered flames of a burning soul.

What’s the use in trading shoes? Shouldn’t we trade souls? Shouldn’t we trade consciences? I know those torture me more than anything physical ever could. I can’t go a day without remembering the horrible things I’ve done, or without cursing my own soul. Cause God, I know I deserve to burn in Hell. But hell, maybe this is Hell. It sure isn’t Heaven. Or maybe it’s Heaven for someone out there. Someone I’ve never known, never touched, never seen. But it’s a Hell for me. It’s a prison for me. It’s a cage with burning bars of diamond. Beautiful, but breaking. They won’t break, but they broke me. And now they eat at my burning soul, turning it into an empty pain. A pain that doesn’t exist for anyone but me.

Maybe they’ll use the ashes of my soul…? Maybe they’ll turn them into coal…? Maybe they’ll force me closer to myself…? And turn me into diamond bars for the next tortured soul…? Am I just a punished soul waiting for my turn to punish another? Am I just here for the prison bars? Is that why you never laughed? Is that why I can’t fit in? Maybe I’m made to sin…? What a wicked existence. What a hell. What a terrifying thought. But then again, so am I.

Getting my hands back into shape...

I recently found the passion to play my guitar again. It's not like I haven't played it over the past few years... but just... not as much as I did when I first got it. At the age of eight... for my acoustic, that is. And 13 for my electric.

I used to kind of shrug it off, not enjoying playing it because I wasn't very good, I didn't know any songs, and I wasn't taking lessons anymore. But now... I'm taking piano lessons and bass lessons... and I realized that I don't need to take guitar lessons to learn guitar songs. I've had enough experience with guitar to be able to pick up songs on my own.

So I looked up a bunch of tabs on http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/ and now I'm working my hands out like never before.

Every night I come home, go down to my basement and practice both bass and guitar. I start out with a few bass scales and warm-ups, then I move to actual songs on the bass.

Once my hand is thoroughly stretched out and warmed-up, I take a short break.

Then it's on to the guitar.

:)

I'll do some scales, play some of my own songs, maybe I'll write a new one while I'm practicing... who knows? :)

Over the past three days I've learned all of these songs on guitar... (and aquired a painfully stretched out left hand... which is now taking a well-earned break)...

~Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne - I just started on this one tonight... and OH MAN... it is FAST. Fun though. :)
~Click, Click, Click, Click by Bishop Allen - I LOVE playing this on my acoustic. :)
~New American Classic by Taking Back Sunday - Beautiful acoustic song.
~This Photograph is Proof by Taking Back Sunday - Love the guitar.
~Time After Time(cover) by Saosin - Nice version of a classic 70s ballad.
~Falling Away With You by Muse - I love this song so much... :)
~Sing For Absolution by Muse - This is actually a re-learned song... I learned it about four years ago when I first got my electric guitar... but I hadn't played it in so long that I had to look up the tabs again.
~Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - A friend taught me this one. Great song. :)

Recently learned on bass:

~On My Own by Saosin - Awesome song.
~Hysteria by Muse - Probably my favorite bass line ever. :D
~Time is Running Out by Muse - Another favorite. :)
~The Distance by Cake - Driving bass line... love it.
~Crooked Teeth by Death Cab For Cutie - Okay... not really RECENT... I learned this about a year ago... but again, I hadn't played it in a while and had to look it up again.
~Summer Skin by Death Cab For Cutie - "

I'm playing guitar again.

And I must admit... I missed it. :)

Killing Him With Kindness

A while back, I was having a discussion with one of my best friends, about a friend of mine who I was mad at due to his weird off-on-off-on friendship patterns.

She told me that she was going to "kill him with kindness."

I love that phrase.

A lot.

Sometimes, people make you mad. Sometimes, they push your buttons. And the best way to deal with this... is to not get mad back at them. Oh. NO. That's what they want! The answer is to "kill them with kindness" !!!

After she told me that I tried to treat everyone really nicely all of the time. It didn't really work...

But I'm trying again. :)

This solution also works well with people you are NOT mad at. Then you can just love them like you wanted to love them anyway. They're happy. You're happy.

When you kill the enemy with kindness... it's because you're happy and they can't bring you down, no matter what. They can push your buttons, tell you you're an ugly cow (which, by the way, is a greatly offensive thing to saw to a real cow), and it does nothing. You still give them love.

"Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

;)

Today.

Today I woke up late because I forgot to set my alarm.

I had been up til nearly 2am the night before, laying in bed, without actually falling asleep. Once I did get some sleep, it was sporadic and filled with nightmares and dreams of the most random thoughts in the back of my mind.

This is what transpired after I woke up:

9:30am (Feb. 1st) (all times are rough estimates) - My sister calls me, wondering where I was. I was supposed to work for her at 9am.
10:20am - I leave my house. (No breakfast was had.)
10:55am  - I arrive at my sister's house with Starbucks coffee for both of us.
11:05am - I begin my duties as housemaid.
1:30pm - Lunch break... I drive to my college to have lunch with friends. (I didnt actually eat anything.)
2:35pm - I leave the college and make my way to Dutch Bros to pick up hot cocoa for my neice and a smoothie for my sister.
3:06pm - I get back to work.
4:57pm - I finish my work and leave for dinner with a friend before my class.

6pm - I go to my Creative Writing (Non-Fiction) class... Writing 240. (In which I drew the two pages of art shown in this photo)

9:30pm - The class gets out 30min early. I am overjoyed.

9:47pm - I make it home.

10pm - I eat dinner: steak! (The first food to be put in my belly since the night before.)

10:45pm - I do the daily dishes.

11:10pm - I practice my bass in the basement for roughly 30min...

11:43pm - I change over the laundry and fold the towels.

11:50pm - Finally resting. A red plastic cup of ice water and an old, twice re-frozen Reeses Peanutbutter Cup Blizzard from Dairy Queen to snack on.

12:02am (Feb. 2nd) - Blogging, reading and pondering life til my eyes go numb so I can sleep.

That was today... or yesterday, as the case may be.

Feeling Good...? ...BOO YA.

Well well well...

Now for something completely out of the ordinary.

Or not!

I have this terrible habit of listening to depressing songs when I get depressed. Which then pushes me over the edge of a swirling tempest of bitterness, resentment, anger and unbelievable sadness.

I realized this a while back... When I was going through some trying friendship/relationship problems and having weird random breakdowns every two and a half days.

THUS! I have come to the conclusion that the only answer is to listen to HAPPY music. And to say "I. AM. FEELING. GOOD. AND I'M NOT LETTING ANYONE BRING ME DOWN." when you're angry.

SO. The other day I said some stupid, STUPID things to a friend of mine... which I think both hurt them and made them very angry at me.

I realized how stupid and mean these things were and apoligized as best as I could... but I'm pretty sure they're still mad at me.

Annnd... I realized that no matter what I said or did... they were just going to be mad for a while.

Therefore, I'm listening to happy music and putting it behind me. I can't change how they feel. I can only try to be a good friend when they need me to.

Life is good. That is what I have to keep telling myself. And if I will it to be good, it shall be good.

So here's some music for you to listen to and FEEL GOOD.

Live, love and laugh! It's what we all need to be happy, and it's always there for us to grab. :)

Mary J Blige - Just Fine



Nina Simone - Feeling Good.

Songs of Regret

Songs I listen to when I'm feeling particularly regretful and/or unhappy plus a poem I wrote about two years ago about eternity. Aren't you excited?

Ben Folds Five - Mess.



Matchbox 20 - Bed of Lies.

(I couldn't find a video for this one...)

http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569488118814094

Eternity:

I have no words to speak,


I have nothing to say.

There are no thoughts left to think,

That are worth thinking, anyway.



There are only memories,

There is only music and poetic lines..

There is only the motion,

Of time slipping through my mind.



It was nothing to me,

Yet somehow I've lost something.



Time is turning eternally,

And sometimes it's the only thing I can feel.

Now I only wish I could go back,

Restart, and say what is real.



Because now I know,

Eternity began several years ago.



Music is flowing eternally,

And sometimes it's the only thing I want to hear.

Now I only wish I could change the track,

Turn the record over and remember the fear.



Because now I see,

I could have stopped all these things.



Memories are always around,

But sometimes I can't remember if they're real.

I only wish I could see them as they were,

And remember why I wanted my future to be clear.



Because now I know,

That it wasn't worth the show.



I have no words to speak,

I have nothing to say.

There are no thoughts left to think,

That are worth thinking, anyway...



There are only memories,

There is only music and poetic lines.

There is only the motion,

Of time slipping through my mind...



It was nothing to me,

Yet somehow I've lost something.



I'm missing something that I never had.

Why do things always seem so bad?

I'm missing something that I never had.

Maybe I can still go back... back.

Music of the Week

(DISCLAIMER: Some of these songs have questionable lyrics. If you're going to get offended, don't listen to it. I like the way these songs sound. You don't have to.)

So... I feel like I haven't updated about music in a while. Here we go.

Lately I've been getting really into heavy rock/metal and rap/hip-hop. Which is strange, since I usually don't listen to those genres very often. Maybe it's because I've been listening to the radio again.

Anyway, here are a few songs I've been listening to a lot this past week.

Elbow - The Bones of You.

I heard of this song from another blog recently. It's a little different than most of the music I listen to... I like it.



Saosin - On My Own.

A friend of mine got me to start listening to this group and then told me that I should learn the bass line for this song so I could play it with him. After listening to it about 50 times while learning the part, I think I've come to love it rather a lot. Thanks, D.



Monty Are I - Dublin Waltz.

I saw this group back in August (I think...), 2009 and LOVED the performance of this song. After a couple months I stopped listening to MAI... but now I'm remembering how awesome they were. Check it out.



Black Eyed Peas - Imma Bee.

My friends used to tell me I was a music dictionary... then I stopped listening to the radio about a year ago... I stopped being the music dictionary I was. SO. I started listening to the radio again and this song has become a favorite. Not really sure why. It's just nice and catchy I guess. Way better than "Boom Boom Pow" was.



Jay-Z ft. Rihanna and Kanye West - Run This Town.

Another radio favorite. In my opinion, Jay-Z had a bit of a fall in popularity a while back, but he's completely back in the game now. Love it. Pardon the unfortunate lyrics during Kanye's verse.



Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway.

I love this song. I would totally listen to it without any singing and/or rapping, too. BUT. It is better with both. Though I don't really like the techno vocals on a couple of Will. I. Am.'s verses. Love the chorus, though. Especially at 2:58 onwards. The build-up is great.

Beautiful, catchy, and it makes you move.



Drake ft. Kanye West, Lil' Wayne and Eminem - Forever.

Alright... if you take offense at questionable lyrics... don't listen to this one. It's edited but you can still get a lot out of it. I fought with myself about putting it up here, but the back track on this one is too good to pass up at a couple parts.

I personally like rap in general, though I didn't used to listen to it as much as I do now. BUT. What really got me liking this song... First, the variety of the rappers in this song. Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne AND Eminem?? Awesome. Second, I LOVE the piano on Lil Wayne's verse.

If you would prefer, you can just listen to his verse... which is clean. It starts at 3:14 and goes til 4:07. The best piano part is at 4:00.

I also have to make the comment that Eminem is an incredible rapper. Not only does he come up with some of the best metaphors... he's insanely good at articulation. I can understand every word that comes out of his mouth. Which, at times, might not be the best thing. But I appreciate it a lot since many popular artists (not only rappers) have terrible articulation and you have no idea what they're saying.



Alright... That's seven songs. One a day for your week. Have fun.

October is Eternal.

I want this day, week and year to be over. But I want this month to last forever. I want the world to eternally be lost in October’s crisp winds and golden sunshine. Why? Maybe it’s because I want to be able to take long walks and feel good about something for once. I haven’t felt really at peace about anything, except the weather of this month, for the past few years of my life. I’m missing something I never had and wishing I could still go back to it. Back to the beginning of an eternity that started so long ago. We speak of eternity as if it’s always just about to happen, yet never quite here… But it is already here. Eternity began before we could comprehend what eternity meant.

But I digress.

Today, as I walked through a cemetery of forgotten souls, I realized that I am alone.

I didn’t realize it and then weep… I wept until I realized that I knew what the truth was. I wept for myself. I wept for the sorrow I felt for years. A sorrow I couldn’t understand. Then, suddenly, I knew… I knew that it would be like this for a long time. Maybe forever. Some people never get married. Some people never have a serious relationship. Some people never have a relationship, sexual, marital or even friendly, period.

So, I finally understood. This is how it will be. What’s the use in crying? What’s the use in drowning in my sorrow? No use. No point. No reason.

I stopped crying.

The wind picked up in that cemetery, and the trees made a melody that only some will ever hear. A song for the dead and the dying. We are all dying, but some live in denial of this simple fact. I almost pity them, because they will never be able to hear this music. They will never hear this enchanting lamentation that the wind, the trees, the grass and the graves whisper out to me, for eternity.

Being alone can be eternal. But so can October. October will not fade. Not from me. October is in the remains of my soul. Within that damp grave of my life, a life made for dying, the shattered mirror walls of my hollow heart now reflect only the broken light and screaming winds of October. And that’s fine with me.

How could I say such a thing? Isn’t the whole point of life to find truth? To find beauty? To find freedom? And most importantly, love?

No.

Life doesn’t have a reason. Or if it does, we don’t need to discover it. I don’t need to know why I am alone. I don’t really even want to know. The truth is a terrible thing. It drives you to the brink of love, life and sanity and throws you into the darkness of the pit. Isn’t that why it’s called falling in love? Someone, something pushed you off the edge, and all you can feel now is the adrenaline coursing through your veins and the wind rushing past your body, leaving you breathless.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people who suffer mental disorders are not crazy. They are simply hyper-aware of things that we weren’t ever supposed to know. Panic attacks… you become hyper aware of your surroundings and it drives you insane. You can’t fully take it in. You can’t truly comprehend the death that you know is coming, but you do know that it is coming... slowly and surely.

It reminds me of a Metallica song… You finally see that “the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way.”

But I’m getting off of the point.

I may never find love, truth, freedom or beauty. But does that mean I can’t feel them, as ghosts in my dying world? Does that mean I can’t breathe their sweet, musky scent as they pass me by? No. I can. I will. I have.

                                          

I took a walk on a Sunday afternoon in October. I felt the wind whip my hair across my face. My eyes squinted nearly shut as I look toward the mid-afternoon sun. I was cold. But the cold thrilled me. My pupils were tiny specks of black ink in my eyes, yet I continued to look West, into the sun.

I am eternally enthralled by the sheen of October’s bright orb of an eye. Enthralled by October itself. On this walk, nothing can crush my absolute certainty that life, though dying, is beautiful. Love, though broken, is real. Freedom, though trapped, is found in every corner. And truth… truth is an everlasting gobstopper... a glass of wine that will never be drained, though it may always be half-empty. But does this mean that we should not try to drain it? Of course not. I know that now.

And I know that October… my majestic October... is eternal.

Burning Diamonds

These are some notes from a song idea I had a few months ago. It was the idea of Burning Diamonds.

"A cage of burning diamond, holding in the tortured soul.

Breaking it into a million pieces of stolen thoughts.

A life of twisted granite, crumbling at the touch of something whole.

Breaking into a million memories of shattered thoughts.

Can even this describe Hell? No.

Can anyone describe the memory of an emotion in your worst nightmare? Never.

So why do I keep trying?

Do I need to know what Death holds in store?

Why would one focus on eternal pain of death when they still have time left to grasp, however feebly, the memory of partial life?

I think burning diamonds would be the most incredible sight... and the most painful thing to try to grasp.

'Diamonds are much like people. Pressed and scorched into something beautiful. We are nothing until something powerful makes us something. Burning diamonds is the epitome of burning people. We are destroying ourselves. Something that was meant to be beautiful.' -R

In a way... we become diamonds by being forced to get closer to ourselves.

We're pushed inward and forced to look at our sins until we change.

Once we see properly, we've become clear like a diamond to ourselves.

And we modify.

Otherwise we're just lumps of black rock."

"Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl" Book Review

A beautiful blend of theology and classic humoristic wit, N.D. Wilson’s “Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl” is an amusing, yet highly accurate journal of thoughts about our world and the amazing God who designed and directed it. The God who not only wrote the screenplay, developed the perfect cast, and directed the feature presentation, but who also spoke it all into being with one word: "Action!"

In this book, N.D. Wilson uses sarcastic humor to show that the world we live in is not the way many have represented it (a world of chaos, chance and tragedy), but that it is, in fact, a novel of purpose driven, everything happens for a reason, delight. He takes ordinary events and pastimes of the average human’s life and turns them into theological tales of an incredible play, with lines and scenes for every living, dying and dead creature.

“Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl” is filled with memorable metaphors reminiscent of GK Chesterton, but with a modern twist and sarcasm that is all its own. Lines such as, “Death is that black stripe above my head on the measuring board. When I’ve reached it, well, then I can go on the gnarly rides” have made me smile and nod my head with approval. Such a simple statement, yet it is soaked with meaning. N.D. Wilson’s book reminds you that life and death are all characters in this great story. He reminds you that there is a plot, and you are very much a part of it. Life is an epic poem, and N.D. Wilson’s book is a record of a miniscule part of it. His part. But going with the ideas of “Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl,” even Wilson’s small part and small book of stories is a page in the novel that God has dictated into being.

N.D. Wilson has created a book that I would recommend to anyone interested in Christian theology and even in life itself.