Something's Missing

"I'm not alone. I wish I was. Cause then I'd know I was down because I couldn't find a friend around to love me like they do right now... I can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design. I wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this... Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is." - Something's Missing by John Mayer

I've come to the conclusion that when I'm lonely, I always want to be more lonely in a roundabout way.

I want to just... leave. Instead of working at my loneliness, I give up. I pack my things and leave for a while.

I guess that's just how I work... I can't NOT be doing something. Going somewhere. Meeting someone. Always running.

When I stop for a moment, breathe it all in... it's good... but only for a moment. Then I think. I start to see how I can't control it... how it never pans out quite like I planned.

And then, loneliness kicks in.

I see the people around me... and I feel like something's missing.

Something's always missing.

Someone's always missing.

So to counter-act it, I run farther.

And farther...

And farther...

Until I'm so far away... that there's no one and nothing left.

Just me and somewhere I've never been, something I've never done.

Because really, that's all that makes me happy, now.

No emotional attachments... that only hurts.

Instead, I'm running. Breathing in and out. It hurts in a way as well... But my heart feels good, pounding there in my chest. It's not breaking, it's stretching. It's building itself up.

That is love.

And how can I be lonely when I feel that kind of love?

How can I be lonely when I'm always running somewhere new?

I can't be.

And yet... I am more alone than ever before.

"Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before." - Brick by Ben Folds

Sammich(es) and Heartbreak(er)

For the record, the title holds no meaning to this post. They were just the first two words that popped into my head before I started to write.



... Hmm... maybe they do hold meaning... randomosity. That's kind of what this post is all about.


I recently had three separate people tell me I'm ditzy.


Weird.


I never knew!


But I think that's because my description of ditzy = stupid girl.


The people who told me I'm ditzy say otherwise. They say ditzy = something like spontaneous and insane.

THAT. I am.


So, I guess I can live with that one.


Also, I have come to fully appreciate backrubs and those who give them. If you're reading this, you know who you are and that I love you dearly.

Random fact: I threw up a lot this morning. Yippee... not.


I am not happy about being sick. Not happy at all.

I really wish one of those back rubbing people were here... my back does not take kindly to kneeling in front of a toilet, retching, for nearly three hours.


But that's what moms are for, I suppose.

And I love my mom.


She's making a delicious chicken bake casserole with rice for dinner. Thankfully, I haven't throw up since 8:38am. THEREFORE! I shall be participating in this glorious meal.


Yay.


I guess that's really all I have to say for the moment...


Maybe later I'll write about a few memorable concerts I've been to...

Hmm...


Or maybe I'll start a new blog... A post for each concert I attend. YES. I shall.

Let's see...

I think I've been to something like 17 rock concerts now...


I like this idea.


:)

Killing Him With Kindness

A while back, I was having a discussion with one of my best friends, about a friend of mine who I was mad at due to his weird off-on-off-on friendship patterns.

She told me that she was going to "kill him with kindness."

I love that phrase.

A lot.

Sometimes, people make you mad. Sometimes, they push your buttons. And the best way to deal with this... is to not get mad back at them. Oh. NO. That's what they want! The answer is to "kill them with kindness" !!!

After she told me that I tried to treat everyone really nicely all of the time. It didn't really work...

But I'm trying again. :)

This solution also works well with people you are NOT mad at. Then you can just love them like you wanted to love them anyway. They're happy. You're happy.

When you kill the enemy with kindness... it's because you're happy and they can't bring you down, no matter what. They can push your buttons, tell you you're an ugly cow (which, by the way, is a greatly offensive thing to saw to a real cow), and it does nothing. You still give them love.

"Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

;)

Songs of Regret

Songs I listen to when I'm feeling particularly regretful and/or unhappy plus a poem I wrote about two years ago about eternity. Aren't you excited?

Ben Folds Five - Mess.



Matchbox 20 - Bed of Lies.

(I couldn't find a video for this one...)

http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569488118814094

Eternity:

I have no words to speak,


I have nothing to say.

There are no thoughts left to think,

That are worth thinking, anyway.



There are only memories,

There is only music and poetic lines..

There is only the motion,

Of time slipping through my mind.



It was nothing to me,

Yet somehow I've lost something.



Time is turning eternally,

And sometimes it's the only thing I can feel.

Now I only wish I could go back,

Restart, and say what is real.



Because now I know,

Eternity began several years ago.



Music is flowing eternally,

And sometimes it's the only thing I want to hear.

Now I only wish I could change the track,

Turn the record over and remember the fear.



Because now I see,

I could have stopped all these things.



Memories are always around,

But sometimes I can't remember if they're real.

I only wish I could see them as they were,

And remember why I wanted my future to be clear.



Because now I know,

That it wasn't worth the show.



I have no words to speak,

I have nothing to say.

There are no thoughts left to think,

That are worth thinking, anyway...



There are only memories,

There is only music and poetic lines.

There is only the motion,

Of time slipping through my mind...



It was nothing to me,

Yet somehow I've lost something.



I'm missing something that I never had.

Why do things always seem so bad?

I'm missing something that I never had.

Maybe I can still go back... back.

October is Eternal.

I want this day, week and year to be over. But I want this month to last forever. I want the world to eternally be lost in October’s crisp winds and golden sunshine. Why? Maybe it’s because I want to be able to take long walks and feel good about something for once. I haven’t felt really at peace about anything, except the weather of this month, for the past few years of my life. I’m missing something I never had and wishing I could still go back to it. Back to the beginning of an eternity that started so long ago. We speak of eternity as if it’s always just about to happen, yet never quite here… But it is already here. Eternity began before we could comprehend what eternity meant.

But I digress.

Today, as I walked through a cemetery of forgotten souls, I realized that I am alone.

I didn’t realize it and then weep… I wept until I realized that I knew what the truth was. I wept for myself. I wept for the sorrow I felt for years. A sorrow I couldn’t understand. Then, suddenly, I knew… I knew that it would be like this for a long time. Maybe forever. Some people never get married. Some people never have a serious relationship. Some people never have a relationship, sexual, marital or even friendly, period.

So, I finally understood. This is how it will be. What’s the use in crying? What’s the use in drowning in my sorrow? No use. No point. No reason.

I stopped crying.

The wind picked up in that cemetery, and the trees made a melody that only some will ever hear. A song for the dead and the dying. We are all dying, but some live in denial of this simple fact. I almost pity them, because they will never be able to hear this music. They will never hear this enchanting lamentation that the wind, the trees, the grass and the graves whisper out to me, for eternity.

Being alone can be eternal. But so can October. October will not fade. Not from me. October is in the remains of my soul. Within that damp grave of my life, a life made for dying, the shattered mirror walls of my hollow heart now reflect only the broken light and screaming winds of October. And that’s fine with me.

How could I say such a thing? Isn’t the whole point of life to find truth? To find beauty? To find freedom? And most importantly, love?

No.

Life doesn’t have a reason. Or if it does, we don’t need to discover it. I don’t need to know why I am alone. I don’t really even want to know. The truth is a terrible thing. It drives you to the brink of love, life and sanity and throws you into the darkness of the pit. Isn’t that why it’s called falling in love? Someone, something pushed you off the edge, and all you can feel now is the adrenaline coursing through your veins and the wind rushing past your body, leaving you breathless.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people who suffer mental disorders are not crazy. They are simply hyper-aware of things that we weren’t ever supposed to know. Panic attacks… you become hyper aware of your surroundings and it drives you insane. You can’t fully take it in. You can’t truly comprehend the death that you know is coming, but you do know that it is coming... slowly and surely.

It reminds me of a Metallica song… You finally see that “the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way.”

But I’m getting off of the point.

I may never find love, truth, freedom or beauty. But does that mean I can’t feel them, as ghosts in my dying world? Does that mean I can’t breathe their sweet, musky scent as they pass me by? No. I can. I will. I have.

                                          

I took a walk on a Sunday afternoon in October. I felt the wind whip my hair across my face. My eyes squinted nearly shut as I look toward the mid-afternoon sun. I was cold. But the cold thrilled me. My pupils were tiny specks of black ink in my eyes, yet I continued to look West, into the sun.

I am eternally enthralled by the sheen of October’s bright orb of an eye. Enthralled by October itself. On this walk, nothing can crush my absolute certainty that life, though dying, is beautiful. Love, though broken, is real. Freedom, though trapped, is found in every corner. And truth… truth is an everlasting gobstopper... a glass of wine that will never be drained, though it may always be half-empty. But does this mean that we should not try to drain it? Of course not. I know that now.

And I know that October… my majestic October... is eternal.

Burning Diamonds

These are some notes from a song idea I had a few months ago. It was the idea of Burning Diamonds.

"A cage of burning diamond, holding in the tortured soul.

Breaking it into a million pieces of stolen thoughts.

A life of twisted granite, crumbling at the touch of something whole.

Breaking into a million memories of shattered thoughts.

Can even this describe Hell? No.

Can anyone describe the memory of an emotion in your worst nightmare? Never.

So why do I keep trying?

Do I need to know what Death holds in store?

Why would one focus on eternal pain of death when they still have time left to grasp, however feebly, the memory of partial life?

I think burning diamonds would be the most incredible sight... and the most painful thing to try to grasp.

'Diamonds are much like people. Pressed and scorched into something beautiful. We are nothing until something powerful makes us something. Burning diamonds is the epitome of burning people. We are destroying ourselves. Something that was meant to be beautiful.' -R

In a way... we become diamonds by being forced to get closer to ourselves.

We're pushed inward and forced to look at our sins until we change.

Once we see properly, we've become clear like a diamond to ourselves.

And we modify.

Otherwise we're just lumps of black rock."

Easter: A Time for Friends, Family, Chocolate, or God?

Today is Easter Sunday, the celebrated day (for Christians) when Christ was risen from the dead to sit at the right hand of God the Father. It is also a time for family and friends, for fun and games, for egg hunts, for chocolate.
To unbelievers, a time for thinking about a new spring filled with new life in the form of baby chickens and bunnies. But why think of new life? Several reasons. First, the Spring brings with it the start of new life in the form of plants bursting into bloom, animals peeping out from hibernation, and other animals giving birth to more little creatures. Second, and more important, Christ has given us new life. But how many pagans think of that?

So here I am, listening to most of my family (extended and all) trying to re-construct the Easter story with small ziplock bags filled with symbols from the Bible: A cross, a sponge, two dice, a crown of thorns, etc. etc. But what is the real point? Of course we know what it should be: Christ, and what He did. However, most of the time, its just people having fun, trying to celebrate with the family or friends, eating a LOT.

I personally think that we should all just sit down with some vinegar and unleavened bread and watch Mel Gibson's "The Passion" until we're all crying.

After this, we should all eat, soberly, our dinner of ham. Then we can celebrate that Christ went through a lot more than just drinking some liquids that make you sick and then enduring a giant ham. We can celebrate that he died for us, and then we can celebrate the fact that he rose again, and showed Death what's what. For as it says in the amazing movie "Wit", Death only gets a comma.

"Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure: then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die."

-- John Donne

Feeling and Thought, Family and Home.

My feelings change every moment. My emotions vary with the weather. But my thoughts seem to stay the same. I keep thinking the same things, even when the world goes topsy-turvy. Why is this? Mabye Einstein was right in saying, "Common sense is merely the deposit of prejudice laid down in the human mind before the age of 18." Or mabye he wasn't. I suppose no one really understands the mind. Either way, I've been thinking about home and family lately.

What is home? Is it the place where you grew up? Is it the place you live now? Or is it just a mindset? A subconscious feeling of comfort? I think it is your mindset. I know that I often say that I miss home... the place I grew up. But lately I've been feeling more and more at peace when I just sit down in our living room, eating dinner while watching a movie with my parents. Sometimes, however, I feel as though there's somewhere else for me... a home I've yet to find. Perhaps someday I will find it. But until then, I suppose I'll be at peace here.

Family. This is just like home. Sometimes, even if you have a brother/sister who you've lived with your whole life, you find someone outside of your blood-relations who seems to fit the catagory or impression of a brother/sister better. I know that at times I've felt as though I don't know my brothers at all, and that I feel more comfortable with some of my friends, who now feel like brothers or sisters to me. I sometimes feel as though I don't have much connection to my blood relatives, and I do have connection with those who are in no way related to me. But then, I hear about my brother getting a job in a different area. I hear that he'll be moving. Suddenly... I feel more distant from him than ever. And yet, I know. He is my brother. I cannot explain this... it was the reverse with my other brother. When he moved, got a job, I felt as though he was no longer my brother. I didn't see him, didn't talk to him. And now, he's still a brother to me, but I don't know him very well. It's the same with my sisters, they got married and moved. I don't know them very well. I don't know either of my brothers very well.

So what defines family? I know it doesn't matter if they're blood-relations. But I feel as though it should. I love my brothers, and my sisters. But sometimes I don't know how to talk to them, and I feel as though we're strangers. Therefore, I think that family is another subconscious mindset. An idea, a thought. A desperate desire to talk to them, to know what they do, to love them. A desire to be able to relate and connect with them. Sometimes you can't relate, sometimes you can't talk. And it is at those times when you feel as though they are not your family. It is at those times when you wonder what family is.

Family

Today I'm staying home from school because my mom was too tired to take me up and I had a dentist appointment. So I've been pondering.

My brother Elijah has an interview today. Hopefully that goes well. He's been very organized about all the job interviews and possibilities. It's sortof strange for me to see him these days. He's a real man, and that's weird since I remember when he was just a child. He's older than me though. The other day he made some sort of oyster/clam dinner with horseradish and (perhaps) ginger. I (unfortunatly) was gone to dinner at a different family's house and was unable to eat his dinner. However, when I came home, the house smelled delicious. Elijah is now cooking dinner almost every night. And honestly, he's a very interesting cook. Very creative, and though I might joke around (perhaps too much) about how its gross, the food is actually quite good. (most of the time that is ;D)

My mother is on the phone right now. Lately I've been talking to her quite a bit. I'm enjoying her company a lot more than I used to. I think I just appreciate her more.

I suppose I appreciate everything a bit more than I used to. I think mabye its because I'm growing up. Maturing. Or mabye not. I don't really know. What I do know is that the little things in life are much easier to be happy (or sad) about than they used to be.

I went to the park yesterday with my two sisters(Lana, Joanna), my mother, my nephew(Levi) and my two neices. Technically, Charlotte(neice) was first and then Ariana(neice) joined us later.

It was very fun... my brother-in-law(Jonathan) came after a while as well. We got to feed the ducks, watch a muskrat swim around, get very sick on the merry-go-round, and have a very fun time. It was a perfect President's Day.